-An Interview with Lezard Valeth-
(by Ronin Fox

Reporter: Good afternoon, everyone! My name's Jillian "J.J." James, and I'm reporting live from the tower of everyone's favorite mad necromancer and bio-alchemist, Lezard Valeth! Here he is!

*Camera pans to Lezard, sitting in his armchair and reading a copy of Playboy.*

Reporter: Um, Lezard... that's your cue...
Lezard: Huh? What? *sees camera* Oh yes, that's right... *puts down the magazine*
Reporter: *sweatdrop* So, uh, Lezard, tell me about this magnificent tower of yours.
Lezard: Well, it is true that it serves as my home and as a laboratory to house my wondrous experiments. But, truth be told, I built it because I needed a safe place to house my porn collection. *shrugs*
Reporter: Errrr..... okaaaay...
Lezard: Do not scoff at my hobby! Why, I happen to own some valuable editions of Nudes of Asgard, including an extremely rare Freya centerfold, and an even rarer poster of Odin in drag!
Reporter: *speechless* .........
Lezard: *leering at Reporter* Would you care to stay and pose for some... pictures?

*Suddenly, there's a loud THWACK, and Lezard is slumped out of his chair, groaning in pain on the floor. Lorenta appears, holding a large wooden ruler.*

Lorenta: How DARE you! You were such a bright boy, Lezard! I'm ASHAMED of you!
Lezard: *shocked* H-H-Headm-m-mistress L-Lorenta?!?
Lorenta: *smacks Lezard again* Stand up straight when talking to me, Lezard!
Lezard: *stands up, rather shakily* .........
Lorenta: Your behavior is unacceptable! First, your shameful record at the Academy, and then turning my husband into a demon that killed me-- I will not tolerate this sort of appalling conduct! You are in for a hefty punishment, boy!
Lezard: *arrogantly* And what is that?
Lorenta: *produces a pen and pad of paper from out of nowhere and thrusts them at Lezard* Go to the desk and write "I will not kill my teacher ever again" 500,000 times!
Lezard: Gack!
Lorenta: *smacks Lezard with the ruler so hard that it breaks* NOW!!!
Lezard: Owwww! *rubbing his butt* B-but... b-b-but, Headmistress, I am being interviewed here...
Lorenta: *produces another ruler from out of nowhere* Are you going to write, or must I PERSUADE you? *waves the ruler threateningly*
Lezard: Eeeep! *scurries off to his desk and starts scribbling furiously*
Lorenta: *looks at the Reporter and smiles sweetly at the camera* Now, where were we?
Reporter: Well, uh... *still recovering from shock* Since Lezard's occupied at the moment, uh... what can you tell us about him, Headmistress?
Lorenta: Oh, he was always an intelligent, quiet boy... very shy, with no interest in sports or socializing. He finally snapped when the other students made fun of him; they called him "Lezard the Lizard", among other things.
Lezard: *from the desk* Grrrrr...
Reporter: I understand that he was expelled from the Flenceburg Academy. Was it because of his dabblings in the dark arts?
Lorenta: Dark arts? Heavens, no. He did no such thing at the time. He was expelled for hiding in the girls' restrooms and taking pictures of whoever was using them.
Reporter: I see.
Lezard: *calling out from the desk* I needed those pictures for my, er, research project!
Lorenta: *waves the ruler*

*Lezard resumes scribbling, grumbling under his breath. Just then, Valkyrie walks in.*

Reporter: Well, well, what a surprise!
Valkyrie: *sees the Reporter and TV camera* Oh... good day...
Lorenta: Lenneth, do come and join us. This sweet young lady here is doing a story on Lezard.
Lezard: *waves at Valkyrie* Hello, my love! *blows a kiss*
Valkyrie: *makes a disgusted face and turns to the Reporter* Well, what is it that you wish to know about him?
Reporter: I've heard talk that you've been the object of Lezard's affections for quite some time. Is this true?
Lezard: Ooooh, yes!
Lorenta: *yells at Lezard* ONE more word out of you, young man, and I swear that I shall flog you so badly that you will be unable to sit down for months!
Lezard: *resumes writing, muttering curses*
Valkyrie: Yes, it is true. *gives an exasperated sigh* I don't quite understand... why could he not gain my attention with flowers and candy as a regular person would, instead of this business with the Undead? Or he could simply get himself killed doing something heroic... that would be the best way to catch my eye.
Lezard: Hmph!
Valkyrie: And besides, he-- *gets interrupted by Arngrim barging into the room*

*Arngrim storms over to Lezard and plucks him out of his seat.*

Arngrim: Got you, you little rat!
Jelanda: *comes in next to Arngrim and jabs Lezard in the chest* You DARE to pinch MY royal bottom?! 10,000 deaths are not enough for you!
Lezard: Ehhhhh, well, I uh...
Lorenta: Well, I never!!! As if playing around with dark magic is not enough... ! This girl is clearly underaged! What sort of depraved pedophile have you become, Lezard?

*Lucian enters.*

Lucian: *strides up to Lezard* What's this I hear about you hitting on MY girl, huh, buster?! I oughta shove this sword so far up your butt--
Arngrim: No, leave that pleasure to ME!
Jelanda: No, he's MINE, I tell you! *starts beating up Lezard; Arngrim and Lucian join in*
Lorenta: *joins in, wielding her ruler* Out of my way! He is MY student, and I shall punish him accordingly!

*Nanami and Yumei enter.*

Nanami: *pointing* That's him! That's the man who was peeking at us when we were taking a bath in the forest!
Yumei: Let's make him pay, Nanami! *charges towards Lezard with Nanami and joins the bashing*
Lorenta: *hitting Lezard's head with her ruler* Peeking at teenaged girls, eh?
Valkyrie: *joins the others* Fooling around with my Einherjar, eh?
Lucian: *punching Lezard in the stomach* Messing around with my girl, eh?

*POW! WHAM! SOCK! BAM! SMASH!*

Reporter: Hoooo boy, what a mess. *turns to TV camera* Well, that's all for today's interview, folks. This is Jillie "J.J." James for Channel 8 news, signing off.

*Camera pans to the Einherjar for a closing shot, just as Valkyrie stomps on Lezard's you-know-what and Lezard cries out in a high-pitched squeak, "I'll be a good boy now!"*